letting go of what made others proud of me

As I continue to digitize old journals and documents by copying them into Day One (which is a great app, though I wish it hadn’t been acquired by Automattic, given all the drama currently happening there), I am regularly confronted with tensions between past-Spencer and present-Spencer. Maybe “confronted” and “tensions” aren’t the right words, because it’s good and natural for people to change, and I get some benefit out of making these observations, but there are ways that noticing these things can be difficult.

For example, it’s strange to no longer be a practicing Latter-day Saint reading back on how important Mormonism was to me—and, frankly, how good I was at being a Mormon. As I read (and digitize) letters from friends and family during my service as a Latter-day Saint missionary, it is so often my “being good at Mormonism” that leads these (still) important people in my life to be proud of and grateful for me. If I look more recently in my journal, after my transition into a different life of faith, I can find entries where I express concern that expressions of pride and gratitude from some of these same people are no longer valid. Surely, if they were previously proud of me because of my commitment to the Latter-day Saint cause, can I trust that they are proud of me now that (or once they find out that) I no longer hold that commitment?

Of course, any mental health professional (or anyone who’s gone through this kind of faith transition and clawed out this understanding for themselves) would tell you that that’s not a healthy way of looking at things. Right decisions are right decisions, and being dependent on other people’s approval is not a good way to live one’s life. I’m grateful that I’m at a point in my life that I can make observations like these in the abstract, rather than with chest-tightening, breath-restricting anxiety. A number of years ago, that wasn’t the case, and I really struggled with faith transition in part because I felt like I was letting go of what made others proud of me. I’m grateful to have grown in a way that I can instead let go of the need for others to be proud of me—and that I can trust that they value me beyond the connection of a shared faith.

• macro
• Communities
• journaling
• Day One
• Automattic
• Mormonism
• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
• Latter-day Saint missionaries